How To Care For Your Drunk Wife

Photo by THE COLLAB. from Pexels

Step 1: When your drunk wife asks you to take off her earrings (which you have never done before), simply ask her how to take them off.

Step 2: When she starts crying because in her drunken haze she’s forgotten how to take off her earrings – it’s time to investigate the mysterious world of earrings. Just take a look at how the earrings are clasped together and reverse engineer how to take them off (like every house maintenance project that’s gone so well).

Step 3: Hold back wife’s hair while she “gets in a screaming match with the toilet”.

Step 4: Laugh at wife while she pukes.

Step 5: Get wife water so that the next morning won’t be the worst day of her (and your) life. And because you are the most clever man alive- fill a sports bottle with water so your wife won’t spill the water everywhere.

Step 6: Give sports bottle to wife and clean the mess left in the bathroom.

Step 7: Wife is soaking wet and crying “Take care of me!” Your wife has apparently drank none of the water and instead squirted the water all over herself and is crying again.

Step 8: Change wife and feed her the sports bottle full of water (this will look like you’re giving a calf a bottle of milk).

Step 9: Hold wife’s hair back while she pukes up water.

Step 10: When wife falls asleep on the side of the toilet, carry her like a princess back to the bed.

Step 11: When wife runs immediately back to the toilet and falls asleep again, get extra blankets and put them on the floor for her to lay on so she won’t be cold at night.

Step 12: Check on wife periodically throughout the night. Try not to wake her with your laughing.

Step 13: Carry her like a princess back to bed once again when you see the drool coming out of her mouth- this means that she’s seriously passed out this time.


Step 1: Hand husband the remote control and a bottle of water.

Step 2: Check on him in 3 hours.

He likely has a beer in his hand at this point and is gearing up for round two. See Step 1 around 5pm.

6 thoughts on “How To Care For Your Drunk Wife

  1. First guys never do number 4! Evr!!
    Ear rings’ are easy. Try contacts! Try contacts after asking your soon to be wife Not to try and drink with your family cause that’s what they do!!! DRINK!! A. Lot!
    Italian family so, bringing the soon to be was a big deal. I’m not a buzzkill so if you’re having a good time I aren’t stopping ya!
    Dad and new wife up from Texas. Aunt and uncle with my cuz and bar owing boyfriend. All staying at my grandparents house. She did good with the wine. White girl so way too sweet wine no one liked. Bar owner ordered a shot. Soon-to-be’s choice.
    Five or six later we all went back to the house. At some point soon-to-be lost her contact in her eye. In tears, balling incoherently she believed it had slipped behind her eyeball. Me, my aunt, and grandmother all had a finger in trying to get it out.
    Cleaning up the dishes after dinner the following night, my grandmother ask me why I couldn’t find a nice Italian girl?
    Soon-to-be made it through the first family get together and every one after the past 30 years. She sticks with the wine no one else will drink tho.

    • lol, I feel your soon-to-be! It’s funny because the story comes from drinking with my husband’s family! That crew drinks me under the table every visit.

  2. Too funny. Love the ‘arguing with the toilet.’ Better than my description of ‘talking to God on the big white/wide phone.’

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